he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
