You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
