so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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