I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
