I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I stole a fireplace last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
