You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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