In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
