hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
