He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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