my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
