It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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