I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
