I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
