Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
