Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
