the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
