you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
