why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
