i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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