Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
