so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
