My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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