FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
