Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
