These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
