im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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