he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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