She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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