I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
