she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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