Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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