Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
