Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
