tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
