I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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