That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
