I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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