he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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