my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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