my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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