good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
