What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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