she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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