Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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