i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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