I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
