So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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