One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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