Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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