The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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